Present Tense

It’s holiday time again, which means it’s time to buy lots of presents whether you like it or not. People may say that regardless of what you give, it’s the thought that counts, but that’s not true. If, for instance, you give someone a Mercedes SL 65 AMG, it’s not really the thought but the $179,720 you spent that counts. However, for lesser gifts, you really need to consider what message you’re sending, lest the best of intentions be taken the wrong way, and your holiday be spent making apologies instead of gingerbread cookies and sweet love. Luckily for you, I’ve selected some of the top presents for this year and considered all of the implications of giving them, so that you can concentrate on other things, like how to break the news to Jim Bob that he’s been in jail a month longer than you’ve been pregnant.

Gillette Mach 3 Power

The Mach 3 Power is Gillette’s answer to the Schick Quattro. You know there must’ve been some red faces around Gillette when Schick trumped the three-blade Mach 3 with the four-blade Quattro, which looks like a cheese grater on a stick. But instead of debasing themselves by rolling out the Mach 4, which would’ve been tantamount to an admission that four blades are superior to three, Gillette sent shaving science hurtling in a totally new direction: the electric nonelectric razor. The Mach 3 Power is essentially your stock Mach 3 Turbo with a battery-powered motor in the handle that makes the whole shebang vibrate. It sounds incredibly stupid, but I’m here to say it works. The first time I shaved with that sucker, it felt like rubbing a baby’s bottom across my face—a baby’s bottom that magically erased my stubble. Like maybe a baby with Nair on its bottom. The Mach 3 Power is awesome.

Don’t ever buy anyone a razor for a present, though. Buying someone a razor says “Hey, I think you’re really hairy.” Let people figure that out for themselves, when passersby pat them on the head and say, “Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy!”

The Ford Mustang

In a recent episode of Sunday-night-girl-show-that-I-watch American Dreams, J.J. was given a Mustang on his return home from Vietnam. This was followed by the creepiest Ford ad I’ve ever seen, which was about five minutes long and featured a father giving his semi-estranged son a new Mustang on his return home from Iraq—making the point that the foreign quagmire may change, but the muscle car stays the same. (The father didn’t meet the son at the airport because he was busy getting groceries, which struck me as pretty bizarre. If your son were coming home from a war, do you think you’d choose the moment of his return to say, “Hey, are we running low on cottage cheese? I’d better run to the store.”?)

During the next hour of Must-See TV, another teenager was given a Mustang on Desperate Housewives, although this one probably didn’t have a product-placement tie-in since (A) It was a previous-generation Mustang, not the new one they’re hawking now; and (B) the kid in question ran over an old lady later in the show. Not exactly the feel-good sentimentality that Ford paid good money for in the previous show.

So, according to two popular TV shows, giving someone a Ford Mustang could either be a way to build a contrived, sappy bridge between generations or to buy the affection of a spoiled alcoholic teenager who will use it to run down nosy old ladies who are trying to bust their daughter-in-law for sleeping with the gardener. In either case, don’t buy the V-6 model unless the giftee works at a hair salon in Revere.

Plaxo Software

Here’s a gift you can give to everyone you know: Sign up for Plaxo, which is some kind of personal organizer software. Then absolutely everyone can get annoying e-mails from you saying “Hi, I don’t have your updated contact information. Please take a moment to fill out this form.” Then your friends will say, “Gee, apparently you do have my contact information because you just sent me that e-mail. Why do you need my pager number? I’m your roommate; you know where to find me. This is stupid and I don’t think I want to be friends with you anymore.” So go get Plaxo now, particularly if you have too many friends and need to cut back your social schedule.

A Pound of Ham

If you know someone who goes to the deli and regularly buys cold cuts in quarter-pound increments, please do them a favor and give them a pound of ham. This gift will show them that a whole pound of ham isn’t really that unmanageable, and in fact is just about right. A few sandwiches, maybe some ham and eggs on the weekend, and voila, you’ve used up your pound of ham and it’s time to get another. This is also a gift to me, because if people ahead of me in the deli line continue to order quarter-pounds of cold cuts, thus monopolizing the deli guy and assuring they’ll be back the next day to make the line too long again, eventually I’m going to commit a felony assault involving a large chunk of Muenster and a container of marinated mushrooms. Repeat after me: When I go to the deli, I’m going to order at least a pound of meat and a half-pound of cheese.

An iPod

As you must know, an iPod is the gift this year. Giving someone an iPod tells them that you want to make their lives simpler, because iPods make listening to music so easy. Instead of the old way—putting a CD in a CD player and hitting “play”—all you have to do is get a computer, load your CD into your computer, download the iTunes software if you don’t have it, then record the CD onto your computer’s hard drive in your iTunes music library, then load the iPod software onto your computer, then plug the iPod into your computer via FireWire or USB cable, then load the songs onto the iPod, drag the iPod icon into the trash, disconnect it from your computer, click “Music” on the main menu, then “Album,” then the CD you just recorded, then hit “play.” Or you can download music from the iTunes store, assuming the song you want is in the iTunes music store, you’ve downloaded iTunes version 4.7…

An Old Navy Fleece

This gift says, “You’re one of my cousins who I don’t know too well.”

A Powerball Ticket

This gift says, “If this actually wins, I’m going to have to kill myself.”

Cologne/Perfume

“I don’t like the way you smell.”

Cash

“You’re poor and I’m lazy.”

Gift Certificates

“I hope you wanted $25 worth of something at Kohl’s.”

Women’s Clothing,

From a Man

“If this isn’t exactly the right size, style, material, color and brand, I’m a dead man.”

Men’s Clothing, from a Woman

“Here’s something you’re going to have to wear at least once every two weeks or things are going to get mighty uncomfortable around here.”

And there you have it. I know this is only the outer leaf of the iceberg lettuce, but please remember that this time of year isn’t supposed to be about crass consumerism anyway. It’s about spending time with loved ones, so go home and do that right now. There are only so many copies of Gran Turismo 4 at Best Buy, and if I don’t get one my Christmas is ruined.