Beginning of the Legend

I want to start my own urban legend e-mail service. People are always sending me bunk messages, and I used to take the time to write back and explain that President Bush didn’t wave to Stevie Wonder to get his attention, or that the photo of North America during the blackout just might be Photoshopped. But I think it’s time to go on the offensive, so if you could do me a favor, type up one of the following stories and send it to everyone you know. If you do, you’ll get a $200 check in the mail from the Improper’s new e-mail tracking program. Really, it worked for a guy I know.

FWD: Urgent virus alert message

Guys, if someone sends you an e-mail with an attachment that says “MonkeysHaving

Sex.qpgxhg,” DON’T OPEN IT, no matter how intriguing that sounds. Opening this file will cause your hard drive to explode, sending shrapnel out through your monitor straight into your face. If you open that e-mail, Bill Gates will come right to your house and kick you in the nuts before setting fire to your computer. I have a friend who opened it, and her computer stole her identity and bought $3,000 worth of jewelry at Wal-Mart. Now her computer wears all these gaudy gold-plated chains with initials pendants spelling out “iMacDaddy,” and when my friend tries to take them off to return them, her computer flashes a message threatening to e-mail her address book to Al Qaeda. Just because you haven’t heard about this virus from anyone else, or seen anything about it on the news, doesn’t mean it’s not for real.

FWD: FWD: Don’t flash your lights!

If you see a car driving at you with its lights off at night, don’t flash your lights at them, as a sick trend is sweeping the nation. The first car that flashes its lights is followed home, where the unfortunate driver is made to listen to “Get Down on It,” “Jungle Boogie” and even “Celebration” until they fall asleep with one of those songs stuck in their head. This is a Kool and the Gang initiation ritual.

FWD: FWD: KFC’s disgusting secret

I have a friend who works for the government, and he told me that Kentucky Fried Chicken isn’t allowed to use that name anymore and had to change its name to KFC because—get this—many of its locations aren’t even in Kentucky. I’m not sure I even want to eat there anymore knowing that.

FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD:

Disturbing new study

I have a cousin who does research at the University of Texas, and he told me to forward the results of a recent study to everybody I know who follows baseball, as it could help prevent a very serious medical condition. In a nutshell, 99 percent of the study’s participants suffered serious ocular degeneration and acute palmar follicle stimulation (vision loss and hairy palms) from rooting for Roger Clemens.

FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: Important info for bird lovers

Don’t throw rice at your wedding, because birds might eat it and explode. Not literally, of course, but from all the carbs.

FWD: FWD: Little-known facts

If you drive through the FastLane in reverse, it actually credits the toll back into your account. Snapple Pink Lemonade originally had angel dust in the formula. The Custom House is a spaceship that will bring Mayor Menino to the moon in the event of a nuclear attack. Mike Tyson is Mikey from the Life cereal ads. Paul Revere was really a woman named Paula, but she had to pose as a man because back then women weren’t allowed to go on midnight rides. Mentadent toothpaste is kept in separate sides of the container because the two flavors become explosive if not mixed with water within 30 seconds. Roy’s dry cleaner is going to be featured on America’s Most Wanted because police discovered that he sewed a piece of gazelle meat into the ruffles of Roy’s blouse. There was lots of traffic during the DNC. And this is The Year. ∂