I’ve Got Issues

President-electin’ day is fast approaching and I think now is the time to talk about the topics the candidates need to address to get my vote. I’m an educated voter, and I’m not going to punch one ticket or the other just because I like one of their neckties. Ohhh! Kerry’s wearing a red tie today! That looks really presidential! I’m voting for him! Unless... Bush squints and says something really tough. You see, I’m what’s known as a swing voter, which means that my girlfriend and I like to get together and have sex with other people who can’t make up their minds. But here are the issues that could sway me one way or the other.

Health Care

I demand a bill that will prevent people from coming into work sick and saying “It’s OK—I’m not contagious. I was contagious, like, two weeks ago.” What, you’re a lab technician? Before you left the house this morning, you took a throat culture, put it in a petri dish and determined that the festival of microscopic organisms surfing out on your every breath is not attacking my immune system this very instant? This is how the plague spread in Europe—everyone going around saying “Oh, I was a bit bubonicky last week, but you can’t catch it now.”

Male violators convicted of claiming noncontagious status will be made to grow facial hair like Kevin Federline (a.k.a. Mr. Britney Spears) and wear it that way for a period of six months. They will also have to wear a Yankees cap askew on their heads to complete the pubic humiliation inherent in trying to look like Kevin Federline. Female violators will either walk three miles in heels over cobblestones or give John Madden a sponge bath. Who’s with me on this, besides John Madden?

Assault Rifles

Assault rifles are certainly dangerous, but I think the antigun people are taking things a little too far with the 150-foot-long one mounted next to the Mass Pike outside of Fenway. The sign next to it says “Coming to a home near you.” That’s just ridiculous—that thing wouldn’t even come close to fitting in my apartment. Maybe if you took out the banana clip and folded the stock it would fit sort of diagonally, with the barrel sticking out into the hallway, but I really feel like I have better things to worry about than gangs getting their hands on giant AK-47s. In fact, perhaps the answer is to allow assault weapons, but only if they’re 150 feet long, which would make them extremely difficult to conceal. I’ll also mention that the assault rifle ban has been hard on rappers named after assault rifles, notably Mack 10, who hasn’t come out with anything noteworthy since the Friday soundtrack. So you know somebody’s losing Mack 10’s vote, assuming he’s allowed to vote.

The Economy

Frankly, I’m nervous about both candidates’ position on the economy. While I think Kerry’s plan to have the U.S. Treasury marry a rich heiress sounds intriguing, I’m not sure it will work. I mean, what if she secretly changes her will and leaves everything to the cabana boy? It happened to Argentina. On the other hand, Bush’s plan to cut taxes, run up a huge national deficit and keep transferring the balance to lower-interest cards sounds like it could work. And the U.S. hasn’t even tapped into its home equity line of credit yet, which must be pretty solid given that the Louisiana Purchase and Yellowstone and stuff like that was paid off a long time ago.

Cloning

I believe cloning is wrong, an opinion that was formed after watching Multiplicity, the Farenheit 9/11 of cloning. This film chronicles what happened when Michael Keaton made a clone of himself to help out with his hectic schedule. First it went smoothly, but then the clone cloned himself, and the second clone came out retarded because copies of copies aren’t as sharp as the original. Then the retarded clone slept with Andie MacDowell, Keaton’s wife, and he was much better in the sack than Keaton was. You can see how this is a Pandora’s box fraught with moral dilemmas and hilarious hijinks. So I’m with whoever bans cloning—provided, that is, they leave the Bundchen Clause intact.