Pity the Fool

This year it finally happened: I joined a fantasy football league. I never really got the attraction of fantasy football, but since nearly all of my friends participate in fantasy leagues, I was tired of being left out of the conversations. I’d be watching a game with someone, and he’d say “Keyshawn Johnson killed me last week on my fantasy team,” and I’d reply “Yeah, he’s a really good…basketball player?” I was as lost in a conversation about fantasy football as I’d be if I were in a room where everyone was speaking Swahili and I only spoke Maa. Also, if you don’t know the names of lots of football players, you’re totally gay.

I actually do have a little fantasy football experience. Back in the eighth grade, all the boys played football at recess. My friend Rod and I were the captains. Every recess my team got killed. So one day, Rod and I stayed inside and planned a competitive adjustment of the teams. We each had an imaginary $2,000 with which to purchase our teams (this seemed a properly lofty sum at the time), and we bid until we had new, equitable rosters. Right away, Rod paid roughly $1,995 for the a 16-year-old kid who outran everyone, and he subsequently kept winning every game. I learned a few valuable fantasy football lessons: A star player can make or break a team, and you can’t win at schoolyard football when the other team has a kid who can drive to school.

But setting up an NFL fantasy team is a lot more complicated than buying your junior-high classmates. For one thing, you need to name your team and make a logo. I gave far more thought to this than I did to other aspects of the process, like selecting players. Regardless of how my team, the Sucka Fools, performs, I think everyone in my league ought to agree that Mr. T flexing his biceps and wearing a football helmet with his mohawk coming out the top is the funniest logo. When it comes to fantasy football-team logo design, it helps to have co-workers who are, say, magazine art directors.

Next came draft day. Our league has 12 teams, and since I’m the newest owner I had to pick last. Originally I figured that since I don’t know what I’m doing and my team would finish last anyway, I’d select my players based on who has the best names, and I designated Deon Dyer for an early round. Eventually, though, I settled on a mix of players with funny names and players who are actually good.

Luck of the fantasy football draw was on my side, and I ended up with a respectable team. I feel the Sucka Fools match up well against any team in the league, including the Sin City Steamers, the Shockers, the Upper Tankers and even the mighty Blumps. Everyone seemed confident in their choices, though. “Is there a place on this site where I can certify that my team is going to dominate?” asked Upper Tankers owner Whitmore on the draft message board in the final round. “The only thing you dominate is your toilet,” replied Jesse, owner of the Steamers, adding, “Nothing left now but a bunch of Whitmores.” More such highbrow discourse was directed at Krishan, who participated via a dial-up connection in India and suffered chronic computer problems. When his connection went down, the computer inexplicably picked seven quarterbacks. There’s a joke about outsourcing in there somewhere.

You’ll be happy to know that after the first week of the season, the Suckas are 1-0, having triumphed over the Steamers. I’m now totally obsessed with fantasy football. I’m keeping track of players I don’t have in case I want to pick them up. I’m rooting for bad things to happen to real-life players on opposing teams. I find myself watching a Jets game and thinking, “Wouldn’t it be great if Curtis Martin got picked up on drug charges and suspended for the rest of the season?” I now pay close attention to Arizona’s depth chart, whereas last year I thought depth charts were used exclusively by sea captains.

I’m totally on board with fantasy football. It gives me a reason to care about games other than the Patriots’, as I check out how my players around the league are faring each week. Fantasy football helps me stay in touch with my friends. And if my quarterback, Tom Brady, stinks the place up, I can act like I’m mad at him for a reason other than insane jealousy.