A Mean ’Ween

Halloween is rapidly approaching and you’re probably wondering once again what to cobble together for a costume. Here are some suggestions for fun, original costumes and how to make them.

Men

Amalgam of Famous People Man

Oftentimes, costumes are misunderstood. One year I was a golfer getting struck by lightning and, because of the charcoal smeared on my face, roughly half the populace of Boston thought I was in blackface trying to look like Tiger Woods. Whoops! That’s why you’ve got to be careful with your costume to make sure people don’t get the wrong message. With this costume, you’ll integrate signature looks from a variety of beloved icons and let other revelers guess which part belongs to whom. First, you’ll want to grow a small mustache below your nose, a look made famous by Charlie Chaplin. Then put on a long, scraggly white beard and a turban, hallmarks, respectively, of two beloved fictional characters—Gandalf from Lord of the Rings and Aladdin. Finally, walk around with a jug of purple Kool-Aid and urge people to drink it, just like the Kool-Aid man! Since so many Halloween costumes have dark, negative connotations, I think this one is refreshingly cheerful and I encourage someone to try it and let me know how it goes.

Women

Variation on the Female-as-Feline Theme

Let’s face it, women dressing as cats is played out. Besides your stereotypical CVS ready-to-wear cat costume, you’ve got Catwoman, Puss-in-Boots, Eartha Kitt…the list goes on. This is why I want to see a hot chick dressed up as a Saint Bernard. A big, sexy dog running around spastically and slobbering all over everyone would make a party, in my opinion. Making this costume requires a good deal of advance planning, however, because the pelt-curing process takes three to five days.

Team costumes

SpaceShipOne and White Knight

Burt Rutan’s groundbreaking new passenger space vehicle would make for a killer team costume. One person could be White Knight, the big jet used to reach launch altitude, and one person could be the smaller, space vehicle. The SpaceShipOne person would be attached to the other’s back (possibly with Velcro) but would periodically peel off and zoom away with a “Rrrrwwhoooshhh!” sound. If you and your girlfriend do this costume, you should probably let her be SpaceShipOne. I have no idea how to make this costume. Like space travel itself, it’s a difficult challenge.

An extreme makeover

This costume is great if you’re particularly good-looking but have an ugly friend—and in every good-looking clique, there’s at least one unsightly reality-check of an individual. Your unattractive friend should wear baggy gray underpants emblazoned with the word “Before” and refrain from showering for the week preceding Halloween. You should wear a gown and a beauty-pageant sash that reads “After,” and pause in front of every mirror to squeal and weep. If you can’t find a friend willing to participate in this costume, call Louie Anderson. He should be available.

A pop-up ad

My favorite Internet pop-ups are ones that feature a picture of Cameron Diaz, Oprah and Flipper and a challenge to “Click on the celebrity who lives in the ocean and win a prize!” If you haven’t planned a costume and it’s mere hours before the throwdown, here’s how to execute the pop-up ad: Just wear your normal clothes, get really drunk, and when someone asks you a question, crouch on the floor and then jump up suddenly and yell, “Find your high-school classmates online! Seized drug-dealer vehicles for $100! Cheap diplomas! Woo woo woo!”

If you find this idea stupid, then wear a cow mask and an all-black bodysuit and say you’re in the Moo Man Group. Shave all your body hair, get naked, cover yourself in oil and go as a newborn. Dress in a lumpy pink sweatsuit and be Bartolo Colon. Personally, I’m going as a nihilist and I really don’t care what you do.