Tax Attack

Besides working here at the Improper, I earned a little extra money last year, and that’s making my taxes a royal pain. If you have just one W-2 form, your taxes are relatively simple and could probably be done by any intelligent person in only 15 or 16 hours. But this year I got hit with a 1099-MISC form, which covers an independent business (swimsuit modeling, if you must know), so I had to contend with the scary world of itemized deductions.

The explanation for box 7 on the form reads, “If you are in the trade or business of catching fish, box 7 may show cash you received for the sale of fish.” For a second I thought that the local Yakuza to whom I sell blackmarket eel bellies had reported my under-the-table fish trafficking to the IRS, and I was about to call my ninja death squad to exact 1099 forms of punishment when I remembered that I’d also done some freelance writing. Box 7 covers freelance writing as well as fishmongering. Who knew?

Since I’m too stingy to take my taxes to an accountant but too ignorant to do them by myself, I decided to compromise and try one of those online tax-filing services that translates IRS-ese into English and then plugs your answer into the appropriate form. These sites also do the math for you, which is nice if, like me, you own a graphing calculator that will solve quantum equations, but you only know how to use it to play Pong.

The questions on my super-duper online tax calculator started out easy: Did filer (me) die last year? I whipped out a mirror, fogged that sucker up, and confidently clicked “no.”

Another easy question concerned the electric-vehicle tax deduction. Did I purchase a “new, four-wheel, electric-powered vehicle for use on U.S. public roads and highways?” Why, yes, I did. I drive it to my flying castle when I’m not riding my unicorn.

The business-expense deductions section was harder, but still good fun, because as I added up my deductions a refund tracker in the corner of the screen kept posting an ever-higher number. Trying to make the refund-o-meter go higher was a dangerously tempting game. However, one nice aspect of being a writer is that as long as you’ve got receipts, you can make deductions for things you wrote about. That’s why you might want to skip to the next paragraph while I pay some taxes. Ahem... one half gallon of Happy’s Rotgut gin, a case of Enzyte male enhancement pills, a massage in Chinatown, a one-year membership at www.truckstopharlots.com, one tattoo reading “Lucy,” one laser tattoo removal, a pizza, a visit from a bail bondsman, and a cab ride (Providence to Boston). See, writers. Just keeping track of your receipts for 24 hours can save you some real money!

When you’re all done, the IRS lets you “sign” electronically by typing in your adjusted gross income from last year, which is a piece of information that “only you and the IRS know.” Or, in my case, a piece of information that only the IRS knows. Couldn’t I call the IRS and give them some other type of confidential password, one to which I might actually have access? Couldn’t I just tell them which brand of deodorant gave me a rash in my right armpit? I’m pretty sure I didn’t tell anyone about that, because I couldn’t wear any deodorant for a couple weeks afterwards and I didn’t want any of my friends or coworkers to be able to pinpoint where the B.O. was coming from. So that could be our little secret, me ’n’ the IRS. We’re buds, right? And buds don’t audit buds, right?

I have one other tax reform proposal. When I donate generously to my alma mater, they ask if I’d like to designate where I’d like my contribution to go, such as toward a bagel in the dining hall or a brick in a new building. I think the government would do well to adopt a similar system. It would take a lot of the sting out of paying taxes, for instance, if you could check a box at the end of your return saying “invade France,” or “for satellites that shoot lasers at France” or “for installation of fascist dictatorship in Germany to remind France who her daddy is.”

In the meantime, I’ll be working on maximizing my deductions again for next year. Who wants to have my baby? ∂