Plane Sense

A few ideas to improve everyone’s traveling experience

The other day I was reading an article about United Airlines, and somewhere around the fifth paragraph the writer casually dropped the phrase, “the bankrupt carrier.” What?! I wasn’t aware that United is bankrupt, but I find this highly disturbing as all of my frequent-flyer eggs are in that particular basket. Of course, I’ve never redeemed any of my miles, because according to the reward system I still only have enough miles to fly from LaGuardia to JFK, and then only if I stand, holding onto a subway strap in a special area reserved for people using frequent-flyer miles. I believe the fine print says I might also have to serve drinks and drop off the pilots’ dry-cleaning afterwards. But I still don’t want to lose my hard-earned miles due to bankruptcy, so I’ve come up with some tips to help the bankrupt carrier.

First of all, rename self check-in “VIP Check-In” to encourage more people to use it, thus lowering your labor costs. Every time I go to the airport, there’s a huge line of people waiting to get boarding passes from an obsolete human being, usually right next to a row of empty self check-in kiosks. I’m not sure if the people waiting in line are technophobes, or, to use a more old-fashioned term, idiots. Come to think of it, don’t encourage self check-in. I enjoy walking past that huge line too much. We’ll save money elsewhere.

Here’s another idea to improve service: Planes should always board the front rows first. This is faster because the back of the plane is filled with people who aren’t smart enough to get their seats moved to the front. Thus, the people near the back will also be the ones who spend 10 minutes re-arranging the luggage over their own seat in order to fit their carryon there instead of just slinging it in the empty bin across the aisle, stuffing it under the seat, or cramming it in the beverage cart—whatever needs to be done. Board from the front, and strictly enforce the policy that it doesn’t matter where you put your luggage, just so long as you do it quickly and get the hell out of the aisle.

Also in the name of speeding things up, anyone removing flip-flops at security will be bitten in the groin by a German shepherd immediately upon passing through the metal detector. This whole shoe-removal thing has gotten way out of control. Exercise judgement: If your shoes have less sole than Lance Bass has soul, leave them on. If they want you to take them off, they’re not shy about saying so. Also, to keep things moving, avoid using the following phrases at security: “Did you pack my balm?” and “That guy has guns!” If you notice your old friend Jack King on the plane, do not yell out, “Hi, Jack King!”

Another tip for United is to stop tricking people by farming out flights to US Airways. The other day I was dropped off at Terminal C at Logan because I’d bought a ticket from United. However, I soon discovered that the flight was “United Operated by US Airways,” which meant I had to go to Terminal B. This is like ordering a cheeseburger at the McDonald’s drive-through and getting around to the window to find that you’ve actually ordered a McDonald’s cheeseburger operated by Burger King, so you’re going to need to drive a few more miles to pick it up.

If you’ve never walked between terminals B and C at Logan, it’s a surreal experience. You get to see where federal employees park, and there’s an eerie hallway lined with white rocking chairs. Since this part of Logan is where the Oompa-Loompas work, roughly nine miles from any terminal, the rocking chairs are always empty. It’s easy to imagine they’re filled with dead grandmas. It’s bad enough that I’m inconvenienced, now you’re scaring me with grandma ghosts, United? This must stop. Operate your own damn flights. No wonder you’re bankrupt. You could probably learn a thing or two from US Airways—what? They’re bankrupt too? Maybe I’ll just take the Acela. If I happen to be going to New York. And they’ve fixed it so the brakes aren’t falling off anymore.

OK, I give up on my frequent-flyer miles. I have a new idea. Let’s stop bailing out airlines and invest our money in some proper autobahns. You may say that U.S. drivers are too clueless to handle going from Boston to D.C. at 150 mph, to which I offer an ingenious solution: In order to be allowed on the U.S. autobahn, you’ll have to go through a toll booth—a self check-in toll booth.