It’s a Pleasure

If you’re imagining this will be some type of lesbian sex fest, you’re going to be disappointed,” Elaine Lizotte, owner of KittyLixx, writes me in an e-mail. KittyLixx is, according to Lizotte’s card, a purveyor of “adult novelties and purrfect pleasure toys.” I have agreed to attend a KittyLixx party, wherein a group of women meet at someone’s house and, fortified with a beverage or two, watch a presentation by Lizotte on the company’s myriad wares. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t expecting it to be a lesbian sex fest,” I write back to her, glad that e-mail makes it so easy to tell lies.

On the appointed night, I arrive at the home of Ann Marie, the evening’s host. About 10 women are present, ranging in age from their 20s through their 40s, and some of them look like they’re even more uncomfortable than I am. Lizotte helps leaven the atmosphere by passing out penis-shaped straws. She offers me one, but I decline. I’m a pretty open-minded guy, but as if I’m going to drink beer through a straw.

Lizotte goes on to give a little background on herself and KittyLixx. After getting laid off from an Internet company, she started her business to provide a means for women to purchase sex toys in a comfortable environment—“without the pervs watching you,” as one woman comments, while I glance around and do my best to look nonpervish. Lizotte may claim that she’s no longer working in the high-tech industry, but after seeing the Decadent Indulgence Techno Vibe, I’d beg to differ. The Techno Vibe features row of flashing lights along the base and looks like it could be used to direct 747s into their gates at Logan. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

After the introduction, Lizotte hands out door prizes. A woman named Melissa wins a waterproof vibrator, which prompts the woman next to me, Shelley, to say, “I keep mine in the shower. I have a little hook for it.” The next prize is another vibrator, this one a “silver bullet” model. “Those are excellent,” offers Shelley, who apparently is well acquainted with Mr. Steely Dan.

Soon the room is a veritable whirlwind of boudoir goodies. I guess my biggest surprise is that there’s more to “pleasure toys” than just vibrators. We’re talking creams, oils, sprays, candles, games, body glitter, pube stencils—it’s enough to make your head spin like the tip of the Butterfly Pearl Vibe. Edibility is a theme with many of the products, such as a massage oil that Lizotte says “can be used anywhere and tastes delicious.” Yeah, but how does it taste with the edible underwear? These are the kinds of tough questions that they train you to ask in journalism school.

Speaking of underwear, another item that’s been going around the room is a remote-control vibrating thong. Eventually, someone other than the thong-wearer captures the remote and all hell breaks loose as the vibration is set to “hummingbird riding a jackhammer” speed. The presentation grinds to halt because everyone is laughing, as if there’s anything funny about remote-control vibrating underpants.

Another surprise is the covert nature of some of the products. There’s a vibrating pen that looks just like a regular pen—“great for conference calls,” Lizotte says. And, in the “That’s Just Wrong” category, we have I Rub My Duckie, which is a yellow rubber duckie that—you guessed it—vibrates. No one knows where the duckie’s nose goes when the door’s closed.

Next, a pair of fur-lined handcuffs comes out, prompting Ann Marie to say, “I already have those. I stole mine from my parents. The night of my confirmation I discovered that my parents were screwing like animals. My mom had all those hard vibrators.” “Well, that’s all they had back then, honey,” replies Shelley sympathetically, as if Ann Marie had revealed that her mother used to churn her own butter or wash her clothes by pounding them on rocks in the river.

After the parade of products is over, the women head off with Lizotte one at a time to discuss their orders. A guy quietly sneaks into the kitchen and opens the fridge—the man of the house, who’d been making himself scarce the past couple hours. “Hey Brett, wanna see something?” calls one of the women, to which Brett quickly replies “Nope!” and disappears again. Well, Brett old buddy, you might’ve missed the presentation, but I have a feeling you’ll be seeing some of this stuff real soon. ∂