Minor Inconvenience

7 Plus Eleven equals 18 (or 27)

Memo

To: 7-Eleven Employees

From: 7-Eleven Management

Re: New policy wherein anyone who appears to be younger than 27 years old must be carded when buying cigarettes

As you know, 7-Eleven has recently implemented a new, stricter carding policy aimed at preventing minors from purchasing tobacco products. Just to be on the safe side, customers must appear to be at least 27 years of age or present an ID to purchase tobacco. However, we understand that some 27-year-olds will occasionally forget to bring ID, in which case we’re now providing a series of questions cashiers may ask to ascertain if a customer is in fact 27 years old. Correct responses will constitute proof of age.

First, cashiers should ask, “What was Vuarnet of?” The answer, of course, is “France.” And while the Vuarnet company still exists, a 17-year-old is likely not as familiar with their stylish sunglasses and apparel, since said 17-year-old would’ve been an infant during the heyday of Vuarnet popularity in the late ’80s. In the event that the customer might’ve been, like, living under a rock or something in 1988 and somehow never wore a Vuarnet T-shirt for three days straight while trying to beat “Super Mario Bros.,” move along to the next question.

Speaking of video games, questions about the original Nintendo Entertainment System, such as “What was the cheat code to get 30 lives in ‘Contra’?”—up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start—or “How did you stop Bald Bull’s charge in ‘Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out’?” are not to be used, since many 17-year-olds still play these games as an ironic, retro statement. Ditto for “Atari 2600” games. The only video game that may be invoked in the carding process is “Oregon Trail.” “Oregon Trail” was loaded onto every Apple II in grade school and was considered “educational” even though you could abandon your educational, typhoid-wracked trip through the frontier and just hunt deer until it was time for social studies. Ask the potential butt-buyer what color the wagon was in “Oregon Trail.” The answer is green, because everything in “Oregon Trail” was green, unless you went to some fancy school that had color monitors, in which case you were probably playing “Montezuma’s Revenge” instead, which had the distinction of being fun.

The next question requires a bit of singing. In lieu of a photo ID, the cashier may belt out, “Gummi Beaaarrs, bouncing…” and the customer should be able to finish the rest of the verse: “...here and there and everywhere, high adventure that’s beyond compare, they are the Gummi Bears!” We at 7-Eleven recognize that not all of our customers are familiar with the secret of Gummiberry juice, so employees may improvise with questions about a contemporaneous bear-centric TV cartoon, such as Care Bears or Berenstain Bears. We’re also thinking that the Snorks, DuckTales and, for female customers, Jem and the Holograms, are all fair game. What did the Snorks have on top of their heads? (A snorkel, which was pointless, because Snorkland was at the bottom of the ocean.) What was the name of the helicopter pilot in DuckTales? (Launchpad McQuack.) Who was Jem’s biggest enemy? (The Misfits, particularly Pizzazz.) We had to Google that last one ourselves, since we at 7-Eleven were about as likely to watch Jem as we were to play with a My Little Pony or scrawl “NKOTB rules!” on our Trapper Keeper. OK, so maybe we did have a Cabbage Patch Kid in second grade. But so did everyone. Ours was from Russia. We adopted him. Our brother’s was from Spain and was dressed like a bullfighter. Yes, we’re serious. But we also kept perspective on the Cabbage Patch phenomenon with a robust collection of Garbage Pail Kids cards.

Thank you for helping to keep tobacco out of the hands of minors. And remember, if a customer doesn’t know his ThunderCats, he’s not getting any Camels. If you never cooled off with a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine, you’re not buying a pack of Kools. If you were born after this date in 1987, attempting to buy cigarettes could land you in Night Court.

In a related policy change, in 7-Elevens that sell alcohol, customers must present ID if they appear to be younger than Gary Busey. Memo to follow. ∂